Last Night I Cried

If you have known me for a very long time, then you know that my favorite actress of the 1950s is Kim Novak.

My interest in her career started many years ago.  I had been engaged for the first time and the guy just one day disappeared. I was devastated .  That same year I came down with an illness that left me homebound for months.  I remember going to Target one day and seeing a book called, Kim Novak The Reluctant Goddess.

As I started to read the book, I became more and more interested in finding out about her career. The only movie I had seen was her most famous Vertigo.  Back in those days you got your movies on video tape and to buy a tape cost a small fortune.

It took me a couple of years to finally see all of her movies (the days before cable).  I have to say that my interest in her career made me feel better and one day I decided it was time to get back to life.

I tried to send her a fan letter but it was returned "rejected".  I was pretty bummed out but hey that is life.

I found out later that she had stopped signing autographs and had long left Hollywood and her career to live a simple life.  You had to respect that.  She didn't have an easy time in Hollywood.

Back in the 90s I got on to the internet and discovered more and more information.  I joined her fan club and came into contact with a "friend" of hers.  He explained that Ms, Novak was a very private person and she had left Hollywood long ago.

Occasionally she would do an interview. Last night I saw an interview she did a few months ago. She has just turned 80 and looks amazing.

During the interview she answered questions that her fans have wanted to know for so long.  One of the revelations she made was that she was bi-polar and when growing up her father was also bi-polar.  She started to cry and tried to explain to the audience that long ago rumors that she was not friendly on the sets of her films was due to her condition and in those days they did not give out meds to treat it.

She said that her passion in life is her painting and that was the way she stayed sane when her career was in full gear.  She also said that she believed that if so many of her fellow actors had an outlet like painting that maybe they would of saved themselves from tragedies.

She is a very talented artist and she said that she finally would like to show her painting and any money she makes she will donate the proceeds of any sales to mental health philanthropies.

I was very touched by this interview. All the years I have struggled with clinical depression have been hard. I can relate to what she went through and hope someday I can be happy as she is today.

Keeping Secrets

George Costanza (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have not been good at keeping my own secrets. However I have been keeping some that I want more than anything want to shout out to the world but the timing is not right.

Ever see that episode of Seinfeld where George does everything in the opposite way?  It worked for him for a while and as crazy as that sounds, I am doing the opposite these days.

Here is an example; I rarely eat first thing in the morning,  I just do not wake up hungry. For the past couple of weeks I have been getting up and making a smoothie.

I feel better the rest of the day. I have energy and drive.

I recently cut someone out of my life.  This person was sucking up my energy and adding little to no value to my life.

Normally I would just put up with their behavior but this time I cut them loose. I feel much calmer and sane.

Now I am keeping secrets and this time it feels right.

Penelope Watches The Deer

Trust Issues

There are things I know that are certain, like the changing seasons.  I know there are big changes for me in the future and yet there is an uncertainty.

Lately me my instincts have let me down. Everything is the opposite of what I think.  For example: people I thought I knew have shown me a side of them I never would have guessed they had.  This makes me hard to trust people and I know it's my hang-up.  Trusting people is something I want to  change in my life.  I just do not know how to go about it.

Have you ever experienced the "lack of trust" in the people you already know or getting to know?  What steps did you take to over-come this issue? Were you successful or still struggling. Are there any books you recommend? The answers I shall seek!

Welcome To New Toy

Welcome to New Toy.  A personal blog/journal of Jeanine Marie.  I have other blogs but I didn't have one where I could just write about life's ups and downs.

Things change regardless if you are ready for the changes.  This past weekend I lost someone who I considered my brother.  He use to be the life of the party and I discovered a lot of firsts with him.  For example, going to my first rock concert was with him.

He had everything (in my eyes) that a guy could want: Good health, good friends, wealth and he traveled.

Little by little his life started to turn dark until all the light faded away.

It seems everyone but I knew the end was near.  I kept hoping he could pull his way out but sadly it never happened.

There have been other changes that have impacted me deeply. Moving from the west coast to the east coast was a HUGE change. Talk about culture shock.

Getting older is something I have mixed feelings about. I know you can't stop time but at least you can try to put it on hold.

New Toy is about changes and you are welcome to get on the ride.